Whenever I get into deep thoughts about
things, I always seem to resort to my phone and write them all down. It’s like
my own personal diary. When I think things, I get scared that I’m going to
forget them. It’s sort of like when you have a dream and the more you try to
remember it, the more you forget it. Recently, I've had been thinking about two things in particular, the fear of growing up and a realisation of one of my internal flaws.
GROWING
UP: Growing
up scares me. The idea that one day I will have proper responsibilities such as
paying for bills and a mortgage and then one day I'll have a little
person/people who completely and utterly depend on me, for every favour of
their being/s. I'm 18 and at the moment I don't even pay for my phone bill
(thanks mum!) but when I see people who are only a few years older than me,
with their own properties and jobs with luxurious cars and it’s so daunting and intimidating, and that one day I’ll have to actually grow up and take full responsibility for my
well-being and have actual responsibilities,
that extend further than paying for car insurance. To be honest, I don’t
even know where I was going with this or how to conclude it, but then again, I
suppose that’s just some of my thoughts and I they don’t have actual resolutions.
A
REALISATION: Just
over a month ago, I had my final day at college with a whole leavers carnival
and everything. We had our final assembly which involved a presentation of
photos of different people around college and awards were handed out (I
obviously didn't get one, but that's nothing new) but it made me realise
something. I
never properly live in the moment and put my all into something. I didn't even
feel sad about leaving the place that I had been going to for two years or the
people that I've met since being there. I literally had no attachment to the place, which to be honest was probably the bit
that made me realise this. I didn’t even go to prom, which if this was back in
secondary school, would most definitely not have happened. I even tweeted about
short friendships that are so short that you have to question whether you
were really friends. One of my flaws is that I'm always looking onto the next
thing and by the time I've achieved it or gotten to the place, I'm just like
"whatever" and constantly looking forward and never taking the time
to truly acknowledge or appreciate where I am. A few days ago, I was in Malia with 7
of my girl friends and I made a conscious effort to really have fun and live in
the moment.
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